Choices Made
by dayglo1
Summary: What happens when Catherine can't handle her marriage to Eddie anymore? Set before the show. G/C *Finished!!*
1. Backstage Baby Princess

Title: Choices Made   
  
Chapter 1-Back-stage Baby Princess  
  
Summary: And you can cage the songbird/ But you can't make her sing/ And you can trap the free bird/ But you'll have to clip her wings/ `Cause she'll soar like a hawk when she flies/ But she'll dive like an eagle when she dies  
  
Disclaimers: Not mine, song's not mine either. Don't sue, I have no money.  
  
Feedback: Makes me very, very happy.  
  
Author's Notes: Set before the show. The chapters will alternate between Catherine's POV and Grissom's POV. This chapter is Catherine. The song Cage the Songbird is by Elton John.  
  
  
Sober in the morning light  
Things look so much different  
To how they looked last night  
  
  
I wake up slowly, painfully. As I look around, I notice that I'm on the floor. What the hell happened last night? As I try to look around some more, I notice a stiffness in my face. I gently put my hand to my cheek and some dried blood flakes off. Ah, yes, I remember now. Eddie had gotten drunk. Again. And taken it out on me. Again. I slowly get myself up off the floor.  
  
  
A pale face pressed to an unmade bed  
Like flags of many nations flying high above her head  
  
  
I go and check on Lindsey, who is sleeping peacefully in her bed. Good, she didn't hear us last night. I continue on to mine and Eddie's bedroom, hoping he's not still there.  
  
  
The cellophane still on the flowers  
The telegram still in her hand  
As whispers circulate all day  
Their back-stage baby princess passed away  
  
  
He's not. I look at the room and my eyes fill with tears at what my life has become. This isn't what I want and there's no way to stop it. As my eyes continue to roam, I spot the bottle of pills on the nightstand. There is one way.  
  
  
And you can cage the songbird  
But you can't make her sing  
  
  
I make my way to the bed and pick up the pills. I swore to myself that it would never come to this, that'd I'd never let it come to this. But there's nothing else. As my shaking hands open the bottle, I contemplate calling Grissom. He'll come and help me, just like he always does. But I can't, I won't. I keep on expecting him to save me, this time I'll save myself, the only way I can.  
  
  
And you can trap the free bird  
But you'll have to clip her wings  
  
  
I started out this life with so many dreams, and them I watched them shatter one by one. I'm done now. Eddie doesn't own me anymore. I won't let him.  
  
  
`Cause she'll soar like a hawk when she flies  
But she'll dive like an eagle when she dies  
  
  
With sudden determination, I swallow the handful of pills dry. I begin to choke and struggle to keep them down. I've failed at everything else, but I won't fail at this. I refuse to.  
  
  
Promises of no more lies  
Fell flat upon an empty stage  
Before the audience arrived  
  
  
I begin to convulse and the pain is terrific. I think of Lindsey and almost try to make myself throw up, to reverse what I've done, but I don't. *Lindsey I hope one day you'll understand*. I won't let Eddie win this time.  
  
  
A return in time to the cheaper seats  
She never knew what lay beneath  
Just a dated handbill they found between the sheets  
  
  
As consciousness drifts away, I hear the door slam shut. Good I think, just in time. I knew Eddie would be the one to find me. Then, I faintly hear Grissom's voice. NO. He's not the one who's supposed to find me. I can't do this to him.  
  
  
Let down before the final curtain  
A shallow heart that left her cold  
  
  
But it's too late. Through a long, dark tunnel, I hear him call out to me and then I hear him call 911. I want to tell him not to bother. It's over now.  
  
  
She left in rouge upon the mirror  
A circled kiss to the faithful who'd miss her  
  
  
*I'm so sorry Gil*, I think as darkness overtakes me. *Please forgive me.*  
  
  
TBC 


	2. Weep Not

Title: Choices Made  
  
Chapter 2-Weep Not  
  
Summary: once there was a darkness, deep and endless night/ you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light/ And I will remember you/ will you remember me?  
  
Author's Notes: Thanks for all the great feedback on the first chapter! The song I Will Remember You is by Sarah McLachlan. All other notes are in the first chapter.  
  
  
I will remember you  
will you remember me?  
  
  
I sit in the hospital corridor, waiting for someone to give me information on Catherine. Every time the door to her room opens I'm filled with a mixture of hope and dread. I want so badly to hear that she's going to be alright, but at the same time, I can't help but expect them to say they lost her. I look at the little girl curled up in the chair next to me. Lindsey finally cried herself to sleep about ten minutes ago.  
  
  
don't let your life pass you by  
weep not for the memories  
  
  
I lean back my head and close my eyes, as the scene I walked in on this morning flashes behind my closed lids. Yesterday was her day off and I came by after my shift was over to see if she wanted to go grab something to eat. When I got to the house, the door was open, and I panicked. I don't know what I expected to find, but it certainly wasn't Catherine lying on her face with a bloody face and a pill bottle clutched in her hand. I open my eyes and sit forward, putting my face in my hands as I remember Lindsey coming in as the paramedics worked on Catherine. I hadn't even realized she was home. I struggle not to cry as I look once again at Lindsey, asleep with her head in my lap. How could she leave her like this?  
  
  
Remember the good times that we had?   
I let them slip away from us when things got bad  
  
  
I continue to sit, angry as hell. I'm angry at Catherine, how could a mother voluntarily leave their child like this? I'm angry at Eddie, the bruises on her face are undoubtedly from him, he drove her to this. But most of all, I'm angry at myself. I should have known something was wrong, I should have said something the first time I noticed the bruises, but instead I hid away, pretending everything was alright.  
  
  
how clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun  
wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one  
  
  
When I first met Cath, she was so alive. It was her first day at the crime lab and she was so excited to be finally doing her dream. She told me how she wanted to be something her daughter could be proud of. I told her she already was.  
  
  
I will remember you  
will you remember me?  
don't let your life pass you by  
weep not for the memories  
  
  
As the memory haunts me, I can't help the sob that escapes from my throat. It wakes Lindsey and she sits up, looking at me. I try my hardest to stop the crying, I can't let her see me like this, I need to be strong. But I can't. Tears come back to Lindsey's eyes as she wraps her arms around me, both of us crying together.  
  
  
I'm so tired but I can't sleep  
standin' on the edge of something much too deep  
  
  
When Lindsey is once again asleep, I try to do the same, but it's impossible. There still hasn't been any news on Catherine. What will I do if she dies? She's come to mean so much to me in the last few years. I look at Lindsey. What will she do if Catherine dies? Eddie doesn't even know what happened yet. According to Warrick, he hasn't returned home. Lindsey deserves more than this.  
  
  
it's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word  
we are screaming inside, but we can't be heard  
  
  
I hear voices mention Catherine's name and my head snaps up, maybe they finally have news. Instead, I see Warrick approach me. He shakes his head at my questioning look. Still no Eddie. There's so much I want to say as Warrick takes the seat on the other side of Lindsey, but I can't bring myself to. Instead the words burn the back of my throat and tear at my soul.  
  
  
but I will remember you  
will you remember me?  
  
  
Finally, the doctor comes by and motions me to come with him. Without a word, Warrick moves Lindsey over to his lap so that I can follow the doctor. He tells me that they got the pills out of Cath's stomach, but she's currently in a coma. They don't know when she'll come out of it, if she ever does. I hear him tell me that in situations like this, the patient's will to live can sometimes be the deciding factor. He doesn't have to tell me what that means.  
  
  
don't let your life pass you by  
weep not for the memories  
  
  
I walk back to where Warrick and Lindsey are. I somehow manage to keep my voice even as I tell Warrick what the doctor said. As he too struggles with his composure, he says he's gonna call the rest of the team. They're all waiting on news.  
  
  
I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose  
clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose  
  
  
Once again alone with Lindsey, I begin to silently pray. I haven't prayed in years, I'm not even sure if I still believe there is someone who will hear me, but I have to. I can't lose her, not like this. She means everything to me, and she can't die until she knows that.  
  
  
once there was a darkness, deep and endless night  
you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light  
  
  
As I silently plead with God, I remember just how much she's changed my life. Despite all that she's been through, she's always had such an optimism about her. And slowly, it's rubbed off on me, although I haven't always let it show.  
  
  
And I will remember you  
will you remember me?  
  
  
My head snaps up as the unmistakable sound of a heart monitor flat-lining goes off. I watch in horror as doctors and nurses rush into Catherine's room.   
  
  
don't let your life pass you by  
weep not for the memories  
And I will remember you...  
  
  
I hang my head and cry. God's not listening.  
  
  
Weep not for the memories  
  
TBC 


	3. Gonna Pull My Soul In

Title: Choices Made  
  
Chapter 3-Gonna Pull My Soul In  
  
Summary: Sometimes all that we can know is/ There's no such thing as no regrets/ Baby it's all right/ I'm not running/ I'm not hiding/ I'm not reaching/ I'm just resting in the arms of the great wide open/ Gonna pull my soul in/ And I'm almost home  
  
Author's Notes: Thanks once again for all of the great feedback. I forgot to mention earlier that this story will be in six parts. The song Almost Home is by Beth Nielsen Chapman. All other notes are in part one.  
  
  
I saw my life this morning  
Lying at the bottom of a drawer  
All this stuff I'm saving  
God knows what this junk is for   
And whatever I believed in  
This is all I have to show  
  
  
About a week ago, I was cleaning out my closet. In the back of it, I found some of my old clothes, from before, from when I was a dancer and a drug addict. As I remembered how much of my life I had spent as that person, it struck me as terribly sad.  
  
  
What the hell were all reasons  
For holding on for such dear life  
Here's where I let go  
  
  
I managed to change my life, somewhat. I had a great daughter, a job I actually liked, and I found a friend in Gil Grissom. Sometimes, I could even pretend that it was enough, that life was good. That was, until the next time Ed came home drunk. It just became too hard to hold on. I'm done now.  
  
  
I'm not running  
I'm not hiding  
I'm not reaching  
  
  
I can hear people conversing, but I can't really make out what their saying. Something about a coma, I think. Are they talking about me? I always heard that people in comas could hear what was going on around them.  
  
  
I'm just resting in the arms of the great wide open  
Gonna pull my soul in  
And I'm almost home  
  
  
Guess this means the pills didn't work all the way. Grissom must have found me to quickly. Damn him! Why couldn't he just let me go? All I want is to go home.  
  
  
I saw you this morning  
You were looking straight at me  
From an ancient photograph  
Stuck between letters and some keys  
  
  
When I was cleaning out my closet, I found something else as well. It was an old picture tucked away in a shoe box I had buried in the back years ago.   
  
  
I was lost just for a moment  
In the ache of old goodbyes  
Sometimes all that we can know is  
There's no such thing as no regrets  
  
  
I was just a kid in the picture, right around Lindsey's age. I was struck by how happy I looked. It was a time when everything was going good in life and I was truly content with my life thus far. Then there was the shouting, and the night my mom "fell" down the steps. And everything shattered.  
  
  
Baby it's all right  
  
  
I won't put Lindsey through that. I won't make her live with the knowledge for the rest of her life that her father killed her mother. It's much better that I killed myself. Let me be the bad guy. Anything to spare her the pain I felt then, all those years ago.  
  
  
I'm not running  
I'm not hiding  
I'm not reaching  
  
  
It's better this way.  
  
  
I'm just resting in the arms of the great wide open  
Gonna pull my soul in  
And I'm almost home  
  
  
I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. I just want to drift away…  
  
  
There's no such thing as no regrets  
But baby it's alright  
  
  
I hear voices again. I don't recognize one of them, but I'd know the other one anywhere. Grissom. This will be hard on him. I'm so sorry Gil. Please don't blame yourself…  
  
  
I'm not running  
I'm not hiding  
I'm not reaching  
  
  
It really is better this way.  
  
  
I'm just resting in the arms of the great wide open  
  
  
I'm so, so tired. I hear the voices fade farther and farther away.   
  
  
Gonna pull my soul in  
  
Far, far away, I hear a high-pitched beep sound. I'm coming home mom.  
  
  
And I'm almost home  
  
TBC 


	4. Life Without You

Title: Choices Made  
  
Chapter 4-Life Without You  
  
Summary: I've held you tight, pushed you away/ Now with all my might I beg you to stay/ I'm sure I could face the bitter cold/ But life without you, I don't know   
  
Author's Notes: The song is called I Don't Know. All other notes are in the first chapter.  
  
  
  
I'm now sitting alone in the hallway. Warrick finally got a hold of Catherine's sister. She came and took Lindsey home with her. I promised to call as soon as I learned anything new. Cath's heart stopped about an hour ago, but they were able to get her back.  
  
  
A mountain of stone, a door of steel   
Can't stand in my way, I'd go on   
  
  
Finally, I've had enough of sitting and waiting. I want to see her. There's no telling when or if her heart will stop again. There are things I need to tell her before it's too late. If it's not already. Please, Lord, let it not be too late. Let her still be able to hear me.  
  
  
Brutal machines, unbending laws   
Can't slow me down, I'd go on   
  
  
I make my way to her room, but her doctor stops me, "You can't go in there."  
  
"I need to talk to her."  
  
"She's not allowed to have visitors except for family. You're not family."  
  
"Her only family is her seven year old daughter! She can't go in there! Catherine needs someone in there with her."  
  
"What about her husband?"  
  
"You mean the source of the bruises on her face?"  
  
  
I've learned how to deal and when to fight   
I know what's real, I know what's right   
  
  
The doctor looks at me. I can tell he's wavering. Please let me in, I plead silently. Finally, he nods his head, "Okay. But only for fifteen minutes. Then you have to leave. No arguments."  
  
I want more time, but I know that to ask for it would be a losing battle. Instead, I nod my thanks and head into her room.  
  
  
I'm not afraid, a wounded dove   
I can be tender in a world so tough   
  
  
I enter her room and am immediately struck by how small and frail she looks on the hospital bed. There's no color at all to her skin except for the vivid purple bruises on her face. I slowly approach the hospital bed and carefully take her hand before leaning down to brush a gentle kiss on the cheek that's unbruised.  
  
  
I'm sure I could face the bitter cold   
But life without you, I don't know   
  
  
As I look at her, tears begin to fill my eyes. She can't die. What would I do then? I've forgotten how to live without her in my life.  
  
  
The winds of the heart can blow me down   
But I get right up and I stand my ground   
  
  
I've always been at home in silence, I guess growing up with a deaf mother had something to do with it. But I know Catherine's always hated silence, she's always needed to have noise and chatter. If she were conscious right now, the utter stillness of this room would drive her insane. I need to break the quiet. Right now, it's the only thing I can do for her. "Lindsey keeps asking when you're going to wake up". My voice breaks as I continue in a whisper, "all I can tell her is I don't know."  
  
  
I've tasted fear, my share of pain   
The wasted tears of love in vain   
I've held you tight, pushed you away   
Now with all my might I beg you to stay   
  
  
"Catherine, you've got to wake up. Lindsey's so afraid right now." I look at her. Even now, I can't tell her that I'm afraid too, that I need her too. I'm just not strong enough. I just can't ask her to stay. Instead, I silently plead with everything in my soul for God to let her live.  
  
  
I'm sure I could face the bitter cold   
But life without you, I don't know   
  
  
"You know, the whole lab's waiting for word about you. Warrick says even Ecklie's worried. I didn't know he was capable of feeling. You've got to wake up Cath, the lab needs you and so does Lindsey. Your daughter needs you Catherine." So do I, I silently add, so do I.  
  
  
I know what I want, I know what I need   
But there's just one thing I must believe   
Deep in the night by a dying flame   
You will be there when I call your name   
  
  
Finally, the words rush out of my mouth in a tumbled, incoherent stream, "I need you too Catherine. I don't know when exactly, but somewhere along the way I've come to depend on you. You're vital to who I am. It frightens me really, to find that I need someone as much as I need you, but I do. You can't die Cath, I need you."  
  
  
I'm sure I could face the bitter cold   
But life without you, I don't know   
  
  
As I finish, the doctor pokes his head into the room, signaling it's time for me to leave. I nod, then turn around, and bend to place another kiss on her cheek. As I do, I whisper my final plea to her, "Live, please".  
  
  
I don't know   
I don't know   
  
  
After I exit the room, I sit back into my chair and drop my head into my hands. I've done all I can do for her now. I just don't know what I will do if it's not enough.  
  
  
I don't know   
I don't know   
  
TBC 


	5. I Must Be Strong

Title: Choices Made  
  
Chapter 5-I Must Be Strong  
  
Summary: Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees./ Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please./ Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,/ And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.   
  
  
Author's Notes: The song Tears in Heaven is by Eric Clapton. All other notes are in the first chapter.  
  
  
  
I slowly hear voices fade back in. I can hear people talking again. NO! Just let me go, PLEASE! Why won't they just let me go?  
  
  
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?   
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?   
  
  
Then a new voice comes in. It's Grissom.   
  
"Lindsey keeps asking when you're going to wake up. All I can tell her is I don't know."  
  
No, please, I want to beg. Don't tell me about Lindsey. It's hard enough to leave her as it is. Please don't do this to me.  
  
  
I must be strong and carry on,   
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.   
  
  
But he keeps on talking, keeps on telling me how worried everyone is about me. I try to shut him out, try to not listen, but I can't. There's nothing I can do to make his voice stop.  
  
  
Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven?   
Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven?   
  
  
He tells me how much everyone needs me, how much Lindsey needs me. He doesn't need me, though. Gil Grissom doesn't need anyone. And I know he'll take care of the rest of the team. He'll take care of Lindsey, too. I know that, or else I would never leave like this.  
  
  
I'll find my way through night and day,   
'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.   
  
  
With this thought, I allow myself to begin to drift away again. Gil's voice begins to fade. But through the fog, I hear him speak: "I need you too Catherine."   
  
I fight my way back as I hear his words. I have to hear what he's saying.  
  
"I don't know when exactly, but somewhere along the way I've come to depend on you. You're vital to who I am. It frightens me really, to find that I need someone as much as I need you, but I do. You can't die Cath, I need you."  
  
  
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees.   
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please.   
Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure,   
And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven.   
  
  
No, I tell myself, he doesn't need anyone. Why's he doing this to me? Why can't he just let me be? Just let me go Gil, please. All I want is to go home. It's too hard here. It's just too hard.  
  
  
Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven?   
Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven?   
  
  
And then I hear his last, desperate plea, "Live, please". And I know I can't leave him. As much as I want to be able to, I can't.  
  
  
I must be strong and carry on,   
  
  
I hear him leave and panic begins to overtake me. I struggle to wake up. He has to know that I heard him. With great effort, a single word passes through my lips: "Gil".  
  
  
'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven  
  
TBC 


	6. Sail On Silver Girl

Title: Choices Made  
  
Chapter 6-Sail On Silver Girl  
  
Summary: Sail on silver girl,/ Sail on by./ Your time has come to shine./ All your dreams are on their way./ See how they shine./ If you need a friend/ I'm sailing right behind./ Like a bridge over troubled water/ I will ease your mind.   
  
Author's Notes: Okay, so I'd like to say thanks to everyone who gave me all of the great feedback on this fic. I hope this final part doesn't disappoint! The song Bridge Over Troubled Water is by Simon and Garfunkel. All other notes are in the first chapter.  
  
  
  
I rush back to Catherine's room. Five minutes after I had left, a nurse came out to tell me she had woken up and was asking for me. She promised that as soon as the doctor checked her over I could go back in to see her.  
  
  
When you're weary, feeling small,   
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;   
I'm on your side. When times get rough   
And friends just can't be found,   
Like a bridge over troubled water   
I will lay me down.   
  
  
As I enter the room, Cath turns her head to me. She still looks so small, but at least she's awake now. As soon as she sees me, her eyes fill with tears. I gently take her hand when I reach the bed and she looks up at me as the tears start to stream down her face. "I'm so, so sorry", she whispers.  
  
With my free hand, I begin to wipe away the tears. "It's okay", I reply, shaking my head. "Everything's going to be fine now."  
  
  
Like a bridge over troubled water   
I will lay me down.   
  
  
She looks about to say something, but I stop her, gently squeezing her hand, "It's going to be fine, I promise."  
  
She nods, accepting my promise.  
  
  
When you're down and out,   
When you're on the street,   
When evening falls so hard   
I will comfort you.   
I'll take your part.   
  
  
"Where's Lindsey?"  
  
"Cindy came and took her home. I called when the doctor said you were awake. She's bringing Linds over right now."  
  
Catherine gratefully nods, "Thank you", she whispers.  
  
I shift, uncomfortable with her gratitude. "I also called Warrick and he said he'd tell the rest of the team."  
  
She hesitates, but then asks the question that's obviously on her mind, "What about Eddie?"  
  
Somehow, I manage to keep the disgust out of my voice, "We weren't ever able to reach him. As far as I know, he never even found out about what happened."  
  
Cath nods again, struggling not to cry, "Okay."  
  
I grip her hand tighter, "Listen, it's over, okay? You don't ever have to go back to Eddie if you don't want to. It's okay to ask for help Catherine. You're friends will be there for you." I pause and lean in to whisper my last sentence, "And I will ALWAYS be there for you, okay?"  
"Okay", she whispers back.  
  
  
  
When darkness comes   
And pains is all around,   
Like a bridge over troubled water   
I will lay me down.   
  
  
We sit in a comfortable silence for awhile. She's obviously still tired, and she drifts in and out. Finally, she looks up at me, "Thank you".   
  
I glance down at her, "for what?"  
  
"For finding me. I just figured Eddie would be the one to find me, that it'd be my revenge, you know? But if you hadn't, it probably would have been Lindsey", her voice breaking, she continues, "I can't believe I almost did that to her."  
  
"Well, you didn't, and everything's going to be okay, so don't worry about it, okay?"  
  
She nods her head, then pauses, before asking me another question, "What were you doing at the house anyways?"  
  
I close my eyes as I struggle with my composure before opening them and answering her question, "I came over to see if you wanted to go grab breakfast. When I got there the door was open and I panicked."  
  
  
Like a bridge over troubled water   
I will lay me down.   
  
  
Silence reigns again as she mulls over what I've just told her. Obviously, Eddie had been so enraged the night before that he hadn't even bothered to shut the door when he left. He hadn't cared enough about the inhabitants of the house to do so.  
  
Outside the room, I hear Lindsey's voice in the hallway. I squeeze Catherine's hand to regain her attention, "I think you've got another visitor."  
  
  
Sail on silver girl,   
Sail on by.   
Your time has come to shine.   
  
  
Lindsey flies into the room, "Mommy!" She stops suddenly when she sees Catherine lying in the bed. I help her sit up and she immediately opens her arms to Linds. "Come here sweetie."  
  
Lindsey hesitantly approaches the bed before throwing her arms around her mother, "I was so scared Mommy."  
  
Catherine looks up at me with tears in her eyes before bending her head to kiss Lindsey's hair, "I know baby, and I'm so sorry."  
  
Lindsey pulls away, "You're okay now, right?"  
  
Cath smiles through her tears and nods, "Yeah, everything's okay now."  
  
  
All your dreams are on their way.   
See how they shine.   
  
  
Assured that her mother's okay, Lindsey spends the next hour talking to us, telling us various tales, most of which we've heard before, but we don't mind. To hear them again is our assurance that things will be fine.  
  
  
If you need a friend   
I'm sailing right behind.   
Like a bridge over troubled water   
I will ease your mind.   
  
  
Finally, Catherine drifts off to sleep. I take Lindsey back out to Cindy so that Catherine can get some rest. I hug Linds good-bye and promise that I'll be here tomorrow when she comes to visit her mom. Once Lindsey and Cindy leave, I return to Cath's room and sit in the chair by her bed, watching her sleep.  
  
  
Like a bridge over troubled water   
I will ease your mind.   
  
The End  
  
  
I'm thinking of maybe continuing this in another story. What do you guys think? 


End file.
